Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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