I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
