Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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