So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
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