I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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