so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
