I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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