The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize