I cannot find my penis.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.