There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
