Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I showed him my bush... on skype.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
