So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
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all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
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