Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How does one acquire holy water?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
