I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
