if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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