Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
