I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
