I can't breathe out the right side of my face
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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