my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
