I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
