remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
