ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So squirting runs in the family.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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