y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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