I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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