I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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