There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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