Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
