everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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