have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
