I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You made out with two different species that night
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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