my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
