it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
