Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I look better un-naked...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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