Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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