I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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