i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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