I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize