What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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