On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
