listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
