1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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