I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
