we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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