My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
