There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
