I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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