i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
