I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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