I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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