it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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