There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
