You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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