During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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