Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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