I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
